“Blunder Woman” started as a clever title, but now, really, I think it’s who I am. Only without the cape. As Blunder Woman, my fashion taste is deplorable. I keep trying. Really. If I only had money, and a makeup artist, and a fashion designer, then I’d just be fine. Case in point: I’m currently wearing tight yellow pajama pants and a black tank top. I’m either channeling a bumblebee or a depressed hooker.

At any rate, I had one of those days where I just couldn’t get anything right. I tried to look cute and wore this multi-colored sundress, which, apparently was entirely see-through even in low-lighting. Why I chose to wear orange boy-boxers underpants today, I don’t know. And they were underpants. Not cute like panties. They offer support and coverage and they’re orange. But not, dare I say it, sexy. 

Huge Orange Underpants

This little dress also showed a bit of cleavage, which I tried to be okay with. I started the day without a bra but just couldn’t channel that hippie-unshaven-earth-goddess-mother that I think of as going braless so I also put on a black push-up bra, which is one size too small because I bought the wrong one. 

So I walk up to the studio and catch my reflection in the glass where it was like I really had X-ray vision, only the only thing I could see through were my own clothes! What a pointless power! There I was: huge orange underwear, and a black push-up bra that made my boobs point to the heavens and jiggle, yes, like a plate of Jello. I actually watched my own boobs jiggling as I approached the door. I was transfixed…sort of the way you’d be transfixed if an enromous blob was coming to eat you, slowly jiggling closer and closer to you and you just couldn’t run. Because you’re incredibly stupid. 

And then I entered the studio. Did a little narration for my demo, questioning, again, if all the money I’m spending on my business will come back to me…or am I just going to come off as some desperate divorcee with dreams of stardom and she’s well-past her prime. You know, sort of like a character in a 1950′s melodrama.

The engineers didn’t say anything about my get up. I did catch a flicker of horror at my jiggling though.

Ugh. Maybe all this self-doubt is because I have a birthday coming up. Or maybe it’s the moon. One of these days, I’m going to feel like I chose just the right outfit and said just the right thing and all will be well. Yep. Any minute now.

On my run this morning I was huffing and puffing and sweating just lacing my shoes. Muggy out. Like someone breathing on you. And there I went. 2 minutes later, I was covered in sweat and trying to focus my brain cells on something other than the pain and stupidity of running.

Why was I doing this to myself? WHY? Because I weighed myself this morning and I weigh 150 pounds. Christ. How did this happen? I think I know. I broke up with my husband, started eating food that made me happy, stopped exercising because I’ve been so busy getting my career ignited, and I’ve been drinking wine. A lot of wine. So now…I’m fat….but happy.

There’s the tradeoff I guess. 

Grrrrr.

I also growl a lot now when I’m not questioning every decision I’ve ever made.

An Example of How my Brain Works (aka obsessing)

BRAIN: I’m going to record an audio version of my book that I’ve just self-published! “Easy Does It” audio version is going to be fantastic!

BRAIN WHILE RECORDING: Holy moly. I sound horrible. This is terrible. Horrible!! The Horror!

BRAIN AFTER RECORDING: That was fun. I loved that.

BRAIN TWO DAYS AFTER RECORDING: Why did I do that? WHY? No one’s going to listen to it. Or worse, what if they listen to it and hate it?

TWO SECONDS LATER, BRAIN: Everyone hates me. I’m a loser. I need to eat something. And drink. I need to eat and drink.

BRAIN WHILE EATING FROZEN CHOCOLATE CAKE AND DRINKING RED WINE: I love you. I love me. I love my life.

I Freeze Cake So I Don't Eat It--And Then Eat It Frozen

BRAIN AFTER EATING: I am a loser.

You can pretty much change the example by taking out the recording thing and adding in any of the following: Why did I self-publish Easy Does It, Why do I write?, Why did I say I’d give a staged reading?, Why did I say I’d teach a creative writing class?, Why did I decide to be single again?, WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE????

Hmm.

BRAIN WHILE WRITING THIS: Just go on Xanax, Tanya. Your mom says it’s great.  

Chapter 21

Easy Lady meets Dan the Man

            A burst of cool wind twirled into the restaurant. Dan looked up from his menu. He felt something in his chest twist. It was her. It had to be her—Easy Lady. She stood in the doorway and she was…beautiful. She was wearing a silky red dress that swayed on her curves. The dress flowed over her like water and Dan was immediately reminded of why he liked women with shape. She had curly brown hair that was very soft, a bit puffy, and he thought, briefly, what it might look like if she hadn’t plastered every strand with hair spray. And true, she was wearing a lot of makeup like he’d expected but he thought that all that cake might be covering a very sweet face. It was something in her eyes. Something about the way her green eyes sparkled. He’d always been a sucker for green eyes. Then Dan remembered. This wasn’t Sweet Lady. This was Easy Lady. And she was twirling an argyle sock. He’d always found argyle socks irresistible on women.

            Julie walked over to the table. She was suddenly very nervous, but she tried to hide it with her strut. Thanks to the heels, strutting came naturally. Her hips were swinging so hard they’d knock a small child out if they got in the way. Julie tried to focus. This guy, this Dan the Man, didn’t fit the picture she had in her mind at all. Just looking at him she felt like she wanted to talk to him. Really, talk. Then she reminded herself of his lame email and that he was here to meet Easy Lady and not Julie Mills. “Hello,” she purred, trying to summon the sexy voice she imagined an easy lady would have. She tried to purr, but really it sounded more like she had something stuck in her throat.

            Dan extended his sweating hand and tried to stand up, only he’d somehow gotten tangled in the long white table cloth and the table tottered and threatened to turn over.

Julie reached out her hands and steadied the table. “Easy there, big boy,” she said and shifted on her spiky heels. Julie felt as if there were a glaring spotlight on her and everyone in the restaurant was staring. Did this Dan-the-Man almost tipping over the table qualify as a ‘catastrophic event’? She looked for Eve who had just taken a seat at the bar next to a big guy in a massive leather jacket. Eve smiled and gave a hidden thumb’s up sign. So, no, not a catastrophic event. Not yet at least. Julie swallowed, tried the purr on again and continued: “You must be Dan,” she said, “The Man.” She held out her hand to shake his and realized she was still holding the argyle sock. She decided to make it work for her.

            Dan gently took her hand in his, and shook it along with the argyle sock. Then he remembered that Captain Picard would have a more aggressive handshake, a handshake that said “I am a virile man as well as Captain of the Starship Enterprise.” Dan re-shook her hand, pumping it hard up and down.

            “Greetings,” he said, doing a rather impressive imitation of Picard’s Shakespearian voice. With a flash of inspiration, Dan quickly changed the handshake into an impressive commander-squeeze until Easy Lady looked almost pained.  “And you must be,” he lowered his voice to a growl, “Eaaaaaasyyyyy Laaaaaddddyyyyy.” His face flushed red after that one. He felt sweat trickling down his back.

            Julie nodded, sort of. If only this Dan Man hadn’t spoken, or shook her hand, or moved from the table.  “Actually, my friends call me…” she paused here. Her friends called her Julie because that was her name. Her real name. But she wasn’t Julie right now. Right now she was a vixen, a temptress. She was Easy Lady. E.L. Then the name came to her in a flash and Easy Lady was fully realized. “They just call me Elle. I’m Elle and it’s my pleasure to meet you. At least, I hope it will be my pleasure.”

            Dan adjusted his tie. “Seat,” he croaked. “I mean, sit. Have a seat. You. Down.” 

They sat. 

            Neither said a word. 

            What Would Picard Do? Dan frantically thought, but he didn’t know how Picard would handle a situation like this. In fact, unless they were talking about a new uprising of the Borg, then Dan didn’t really know what kind of small- talk Picard would make with a beautiful alien.

            Julie opened her menu and traced the words with a long press-on nail. It flipped off and landed in her water. She chuckled, and then hid behind her menu, praying that Dan the Man hadn’t noticed. She didn’t know what to say or do as this “easy lady”. As Julie, she’d ask Dan the Man what he did for a living and was his tie pin really a Star Trek pin or was it just an accident that it exactly matched the insignia Captain Picard would press to summon the Enterprise on Away explorations. Julie pressed her red lips together, and lowered her menu. “So…” she said. 

            “So….” He responded. Dan couldn’t think of a thing to say to her. He turned his head to look at his brother. His brother was sitting next to a very attractive blond who was also looking in his direction. Kevin made a humping motion with his hips. Dan took a deep breath and turned back to his date.

            “I must say,” he said trying very hard to sound like he had command of the situation, “You look, uhm, luscious. Like a big, uhm…” he paused here. Picard wasn’t helping him. It was time to switch tactics. Try impersonating someone who was better with actual women and not cyborgs. What about Sean Connery the definitive James Bond? What would he say?

            “You look like a luscious juicy steak,” Dan said, trying on a Scottish brogue. “That I want. To…” What would James Bond do with a steak? Why was Dan thinking of steaks? “That I want to…uhm…eat,” Dan finished at last.

            Julie looked up at him and blinked. “Oh,” she said.  She didn’t know how to respond. She tried to imagine what Eve would say to a guy like this. What would go

good with steak? What would carry on the metaphor and sound sexy at the same time? “And you look like a lump of mashed potatoes,” she said. “With gravy.” She tried to make it sound sexy, but it was hard to make mashed potatoes sound like anything but mashed potatoes. Dan and Julie looked at each other. He swallowed. She took a tentative sip of her water, trying to ignore the press-on nail lodged at the bottom, and noticed her lips left a bright red ring on the glass.

            “Well,” Dan the Man said.

            “Well-well,” Easy Lady responded.

            “Er…Let’s order?” Dan dabbed his napkin against his forehead. “Yeah,” he said with a little more force this time, praying his voice didn’t crack. “Order we shall.”

Chapter 20 

This-is-why-they-invented-valium Nervous

            “I’m nervous,” Julie said. “I mean, really, incredibly nervous. Like this-is-why-they-invented-valium nervous. Can you see him?” Eve and Julie stood just outside the door of Bella Vita. It was a little past eight and the restaurant was bustling with people, music, and waiters weaving in and out of it all delivering food. Eve peered into the window. 

            “I think he is there. There’s a single guy sitting at a table. He has red hair. Sort of spiky. And he’s wearing red. And his face is a little, uhm, red. He’s looking at his watch. And you know what?”

            “What?”

            “He’s cute,” Eve said, as she turned away from the window. “I mean, really, he’s cute.”

            “Too bad he’s an ass,” Julie said, looking at her black stilettos. She’d borrowed a pair of Eve’s shoes and was terrified of falling. The last time she’d worn heels had been…never.

            “Now, how do you know he’s an ass?”

            Julie looked at Eve with an expression that said ‘Uh, hell-o?’ “Eve,” she said, “He’s Dan-the-Man. His name rhymes…his email was…ugh. His email! Oh, I don’t care. It’s fine. It really is okay. It makes all of this easier. And maybe if I have a couple glasses of wine I’ll start to have fun. Do I look okay?”

             Eve turned Julie to her, gave her the once over, and nodded her head. “You look amazing,” she said. “Easy Lady, you are gorgeous.” Eve was getting a little teary. “You got your sock?” she asked.  Julie smiled and held up a single knee-high argyle sock. “Not exactly sexy,” Eve said, “But I respect your choice. Now, I’ll sit at the bar and if anything goes wrong, and I mean catastrophically wrong, just get up and go to the bathroom and I’ll meet you there.”

            “Isn’t that the point though?” Julie asked.

            “What?”

            “Isn’t that why I’m here? To have a date that goes catastrophically wrong so that I can get it out of my system?”

            Eve shook her head. “Forget all that. You’re here to get back at Ronny. Now smile.” Julie stuck out her chest and gave Eve a sarcastic ear-to-ear grin. Eve held up her phone and snapped a picture.

            “Hey! You didn’t tell me you were going to do that! Delete it.”

             “No. It’s mine.” Eve tucked the phone back into her purse. “What I meant by catastrophically wrong was if he whips out a measuring tape to see if your head will fit in his freezer. If that happens, then meet me in the bathroom and we’ll sneak out.” Julie suddenly imagined her headless torso on the front page of The Grand Rapids Press. The horror spread across her face. Eve laughed. “I’m kidding. Just try and relax. Own it. You’re about to have the worst date of your life, so have fun! I’ll be at the bar getting plastered.”

            “Okay then.” Julie smiled, threw back her shoulders, opened the door and strutted into the restaurant twirling the argyle sock in the air. And as she twirled the sock, she repeated to herself that she was no longer introverted Julie Mills, the waitress who sometimes cooked, the shy girl who was in love with Ronny the Rocker. No. Tonight she was free from emotion. She was single. She was (for the next three or four hours) Easy Lady, seductress, temptress, and lover of food.

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Remember…you can buy the whole book on Amazon. Why? Because you’re a good person and take pity on strange writers. 

Chapter 19 

What Would Captain Picard Do?

 

            It took Kevin and Dan less than ten minutes to drive to Bella Vita Ristorante, a trendy little bistro with candlelight and a piano player playing Gershwin tunes and jazz standards. On the way over, Kevin gave Dan a running commentary on why he’d chosen Bella Vita Ristorante. He said it had good reviews and a good trend factor. You needed both to convince a woman that you were sincere. He’d read all about it in FHM Magazine. A restaurant like Bella Vita would no doubt work magic on a classy chick; take an un-classy chick like Easy Lady to a place like Bella Vita, Kevin had said, and not only would there be magic, but quite possibly an explosion of some kind.

            “Bro,” Kevin had continued as they walked from the car to the front steps of the restaurant. “Un-classy women are easily turned-on by places with white tablecloths. I know this from years of practice. Take a chick like Easy Lady to a place with small tables and tuxedoed waiters and suddenly she’ll depend on you. She won’t know what to do or how to order, and that’s exactly what you need. Someone to depend on you.” Dan had nodded, though he felt more like what he needed was to be able to depend on himself. 

            Kevin grabbed the door and they stepped inside, waiting in the tiny hallway while they decided the logistics of the evening. “First off,” Kevin said, “We’ll eat here. I mean, you will. And the chick.” Kevin motioned to the hostess who nodded her head in support of his choice. It was a small table for two at the center of the restaurant which would put Easy Lady in the center of it all, and provide Kevin with a clear view of what was happening from the bar. He pulled out Dan’s chair. “Sit,” he ordered, and Dan sat down. “Dude, sit up straight. Come on. You’ve got a bit of a physique there. If you don’t sit up straight she’ll be able to tell that the only action you get is with your Rubik’s Cube.” Kevin took a closer look a Dan who was sweating profusely; little circles of sweat dyed dark burgundy rings under his armpits. Dan was hoping his brother wouldn’t notice.

“Dude, are you okay?” Kevin asked, staring at his armpits.

“Yes. Sure,” Dan said. He unfurled his napkin and hit his water glass. Kevin

leaned forward and quickly stopped the glass from falling. “I mean,” Dan continued, “Well, I’m sort of okay. I think I’m nervous or something.”

            “Yeah. No shit, Sherlock. Look. Chill out. There’s no reason to lose your cool even before she gets here. I’ll sit right here at the bar, that way I can keep my eye on you and give you pointers if you start to crash and burn.”

            “How are you going to give me pointers?” Dan asked, his voice shaking.

             “Dude, are you sure you’re okay? You look all sweaty and shit.”

            “I’m fine,” Dan said, trying in vain to adjust his tie. “I’m just a little out of practice.” Dan was more than a little out of practice. He felt like he’d never been on a date in his entire life.  How had he managed to date Kim? He couldn’t even remember that far back and how he had seduced her. Although at some point he must have, since she’d moved in with him. It was harder than he thought to act cocky and self-assured like his brother. Walking into the restaurant, Dan felt immediately like he was interviewing for a job he had no qualifications for. 

            “Relax. I’ll help you out. That’s what brothers do, right? So,” Kevin said. “Remember baseball? Remember coach’s signal to slide home, steal second, and the rest of it?”

            “Not exactly. I haven’t played since Little League.”

            “Dude. Look. If you’re crashing and burning I’ll make this signal.” Kevin grabbed his left ear and jiggled it. “This means you need to get out of there and meet me in the back hallway and pronto. Now, if I do this…” He made a sliding motion with his hand. “It means this lady is into you and you can call for the bill and get out of here.  You’re in for a homerun. I’ll hang out and give you guys an hour or so of one-on-one banging time before I come home.”

            Dan tried very hard not to roll his eyes at the one-on-one banging time comment. His brother, though older than him and 34, was forever frozen as a sixteen-year-old fuck-up.

            “One more thing,” Kevin said. 

            “What?”

            “Remember, just do what I would do and you’ll be fine.”

            Dan nodded. It would make the night go faster and this lady wouldn’t care. It wasn’t like she was high-class material or anything. For one night, he’d see how his brother lived. Dan would succumb to his animal instincts and become a pig. He wouldn’t take advantage of the girl or anything; he’d just play with her, try to figure out how to unlock her, and then he’d go home. By eleven o’clock, he’d be in his boxer shorts eating cheese curls, and watching Star Trek. In other words, he’d be back where he belonged. 

            Kevin gave Dan a hard thump on the back, apparently for good luck and walked to the bar. Dan closed his eyes and tried to visualize himself as his brother. It wasn’t working.

            In a flash, it came to Dan—a way that he could be smooth and assured. He wouldn’t act like his brother. Kevin was too crass for him. No. Dan would channel another man that he admired. Tonight, Dan would think “What Would Captain Picard Do?” Captain Picard: perhaps the greatest commander of any interstellar spaceship, who, even completely bald could make even aliens tremble with desire…or so he read on fansites. Yes. He would channel the leader of the Starship Enterprise thus ensuring that he could seduce this Easy Lady. It would take everything in him to do this, but he would make it so.  

 

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If you like this, please feel free to buy the real book on Amazon. Just do a search for “Tanya Eby” and you’ll find ‘Easy Does It’ nestled in there between audiobooks. Why do this? Because Tanya is a struggling writer and it feels good to support artists. 

Chapter 18

Be like me. Be an animal.

  

            Kevin put on his tight dark jeans that showed off his package and a crisp white muscle shirt. Over that went a white shirt and then his leather jacket. He looked at himself in the mirror and ran his hands over his chest. He looked good. Fit. If he were meeting this woman, he’d have her on his arm and out the door in less than an hour. Maybe he’d even get her to pay. Then again, he had to stop thinking about picking up women when this night was for his brother. For Dan the Man. It was the least he could do. “You ready, bro?” he called.

            Dan opened his door, dejectedly walked across the kitchen, and grabbed his car keys. “Ready as ever,” he mumbled. Kevin thought that if Dan stood up straight and had some confidence, he’d look pretty decent.  Right now he looked like a substitute teacher who was sent home after first period for being too boring.

            “Come here,” Kevin said.

            “What?” Dan tugged at his tie. “It’s choking me.”
            “Come here, man.” Kevin adjusted his tie. “There’s just one thing missing.”

            “What’s that? I’ve got the car keys and my identification. I should be okay.”

            Kevin shook his head. Sometimes it was like his brother spoke in a foreign language. “Dude. You need to smell good.”

            “I smell fine.” He cupped his hands in front of his mouth and blew, just to be sure. “Cinnamon,” he said.

            “Not your breath dumbass. You need to smell good. Right now, you smell clean, but for a woman like that, you need to smell good. You know, like all pheromoney and shit. Here.”  Kevin sprayed him generously with a swampy cologne. Dan coughed and tried to wave the cloud away.  “Stop looking all pathetic, bro. Look…you’ll never get her into bed unless you have some attitude.”

            Dan shrugged his shoulders.  Kevin knew his brother inside and out.  And he knew right now that Dan was thinking that he was interested in more than just getting laid.  “Dude,” Kevin said. “Trust me on this one. You’ll never get over Kim until you do the deed with someone new. It’s like some universal law of dating. You’re not over someone until you’re with someone new. I know you’re nervous, man, but don’t be. Just do what I would do and she’ll be yours. Be like me. Be an animal.”

            “Fine,” Dan said. Kevin thought Dan’s voice sounded a little bit like his own. His brother would make him proud tonight, he had no doubt. And when his brother was to the point where he couldn’t screw things up any further, namely when the bill came, then Kevin could take some time for himself and find a woman of his own to spend the night with.

            “Let’s hit it,” Kevin said. “We’ll take two cars because I have this feeling that you’re going to score tonight. Like a serious touchdown.” To Kevin, everything in life could be reduced to an analogy with sports. His ability to do this had closed more than a few mortgage deals, and once again, it had closed the deal with Dan. They were on their way. It was going to be one crazy night, Kevin could tell.

—————————————

 

Like what you’re reading? You can buy the whole book on Amazon. Yes. I apologize for the little commercial here, but even writers have to eat. And some of us have really big appetites. -T-

“Easy Does It” is now available to purchase.

I’ll post a few more chapters here, but if you’ve read Blunder Woman, if you like my work, one way to help out is to purchase the book. Just check me out on Amazon by searching for “Tanya Eby”.

And if you can’t do that (money is money after all) then tell a friend about my work. Send them to my website, or have them buy YOU the book. 

At any rate, thanks for your comments and support. Look for new projects coming soon as I get back into the swing of things and return to my writing life.

As ever…

Cheers,

Tanya 

Chapter 17

Grandma says I should try a Tahitian enema.

 

            “This is ridiculous. I feel like I’m going to a special high school prom for hookers.” Julie stood in front of her full length mirror. Eve was behind her, helping her adjust the straps of her slinky red dress.

“Shut up. You look amazing. You look, dare I say it, easy.”

“That’s just it! I don’t want to look easy. It sounded fun and all last night, but this could be dangerous. I mean, what if the guy is a complete psycho?” She’d just watched a rerun of the X-Files where two people met over the Internet: one ended up an alien serial-killer and the other ended up dead. 

“Ronny was a psycho. Totally self-absorbed. Really, what’s the worst that could happen?” Eve asked. “Wait. Don’t answer that. Look, even your Grandma says you should go.”

“Yes, and my Grandma also says I should try a Tahitian enema. She says they’re very refreshing. And how did my grandma find out about this anyway?”

“Can I plead the fifth?”

“No.”

“Can I just plead then? Okay, I may have maybe given her a call to see how she’s doing. I like her, sweets. Really. And at the end of our little conversation I may have let it slip that you drank an entire bottle of wine and posted a sultry Internet ad.”

“Eve! You didn’t!”

“Don’t worry. Your grandma thought it was very sexy. She said it reminded her of when she was thirty and was dating this guy named Roberto…”
            “Please! I don’t want to hear another word.” Julie spun herself around and checked out her back. The dress hugged her every curve the way she imagined an ex-con would hug a woman after getting out of prison, that is, it was plastered to every curve, and she had a lot of curves. Ordinarily, some might call this dress a sequined top. Clearly Easy Lady didn’t believe in things like leggings or pants. Julie harrumphed, trying to swallow the bubble of panic rising in her throat. Or was it the chili cheese fries she and Eve had just split? No. It was panic. She shook her head and tried to unzip the back. Her fingers couldn’t seem to budge the zipper from its lock on her. “I can’t do this, Eve. The last date I had was with Ronny three years ago and that wasn’t dating. It was prolonged sex with a roommate. Oh, God. Get me out of this!”

“No can do. You are glued into that. And I know how you feel about Ronny. And you can say it was just sex with Ronny, but I know after three years, it was more like you were in love with him. He broke your heart. Now it’s time to mend it. Go and have fun.” Eve patted Julie’s back and took another step backward to look at her. She crinkled her nose, grabbed her purse and rummaged around in it until she found the plastic Wet N Wild container she was looking for.

“And what says fun more than Electric Blue Eye shadow? Close your eyes.” Julie closed her eyes while Eve painted her lids. “Stop obsessing,” she continued. “I’ll be there with you. I’ll watch from the bar. You get a free dinner, and get back at Ronny cosmically. All in one swoop. Then we’ll come back and put your real ad up, and you’ll be back in business.”  Eve flicked the eye shadow closed, wiggled her eyebrows in approval, adjusted the straps one more time and patted Julie’s shoulders. “Now…look at yourself again.”

Julie stared into her own eyes and let herself look. The blue shadow really made her eyes look electric, like sparkling green ice. And she had to admit that the red dress, though slinky and short and just over the edge of a PG-13 rating, really did emphasize all the right curves, while seeming to diminish the wrong ones. Her breasts were pushed up and looked soft as bread, her belly was flat, and her hips flared and rounded. She looked pretty good. Actually, if she had to put it into words, she looked pretty bad in the way that Marilyn Monroe could look like sex-appeal wrapped in a pure white dress. Julie was, in fact a size 12, but so was Marilyn Monroe and Julie in this red number just may have given Marilyn a run for her money.

“I should stand over a vent,” Julie said. “Only there’s no extra material here to billow.”

“That’s right, girly,” Eve said, nodding in agreement. “You go. Channel that inner Easy Lady. I’ll be right behind you.”

            “Tell me why I look like this again?”

            “To free your inner sex kitten, purge your bad dating karma, get over Ronny and to entertain me all over an enormous bowl of pasta,” Eve responded in one breath.

            “That’s what I thought,” Julie said. “Okay then.  Let’s do this.”

Chapter 16 

A recipe for disaster.

 

            Dan knew that he was in store for a train wreck. Every time his brother tried to do something for him, it was always a train wreck. Tonight would be no different. When they were teenagers, Kevin had set them up with sisters. A classic double date. They went bowling, then to Yesterdog for chili dogs and cokes, and then to see “The Empire Strikes Back” at Studio 28. Kevin took turns making out with the sisters while Dan quietly ate popcorn, knowing that his brother was a member of the Dark Side. Or there was the party Kevin took him too.

            “Dude, you’ve got to wear this mullet wig and this 1980’s outfit. We’re going to a kick ass Mullet party.” Dan had changed, showed up to meet Kevin only to discover that it wasn’t a Mullet party at all, but a surprise visit from their parents to celebrate Dan’s birthday. His parents still had the picture on the mantel: There’s Mom and Dad in their Sunday best, Kevin looking like he stepped out of a magazine, and Dan wearing a sleeveless Motley Crue t-shirt and a mullet wig to rival Chewbacca. Train wreck. How could tonight be any different?  

He thought about his blind date while he took his shower, and went through his general pre-date rituals of brushing his teeth and shaving. He could see her now: she’d have big boobs and a little brain. They would have nothing to talk about. She didn’t look like the type of woman who talked much anyway. She probably just panted or something. He’d ask her a question and she’d…what? Purr? No. Tonight was a recipe for disaster. He just knew it. Dan opened the bathroom door, steam spilling out around him, and called, “Kevin! Forget it! No. No way. I’m not doing this!”

            Kevin opened his bedroom door and glared at him. There was music pouring from his bedroom and Dan could see the weights dumped on his floor. “Bro, it’s time you got out of the house and got a piece. This woman wants you.” He flexed his arm muscles for emphasis.

            “She responded to your email, not mine.”

            “But it’s your picture.”  Kevin walked past Dan’s closet, and into Dan’s bedroom, emerging with a red shirt. A shirt Kevin had given him two years ago and Dan had never worn. “Look, I’m doing you a favor,” Kevin said, and tossed him the shirt. “A favor for, you know, for letting me crash here for a bit.”

            “A bit? It’s been almost a year.  I’d call it taking root here as opposed to crashing.”

            “Like I said,” Kevin continued, ignoring Dan completely, “you let me crash here, and I’m thanking you by setting you up with the woman of your dreams.”

            “She’s not the woman of my dreams. She’s the woman of your dreams,” Dan said. “Your wet dreams.” He was still in his towel from the shower but he held onto the red shirt Kevin tossed him as if it were a shield.

            “Dude.  I have kick-ass dreams.”  Kevin threw a pair of black pants at his brother’s face and told him to get dressed.  “And to be honest, you’ve been a real downer since Kim dumped you.”

            Dan’s face tightened. “She didn’t dump me,” he said.

            “Whatever.”  Kevin walked into the bathroom, nudged Dan out of the way, and rubbed the steam off the mirror. He ran his hands through his hair and checked his teeth.  “She dumped you, man. You‘ve got to get over her. It’s not cool that you’ve been moping around here for two years. It’s gone past pathetic. Now it’s just weird. Get dressed, dude, you owe me.”

            Dan was, again, exasperated. Only his brother could be cocky enough to say that Dan owed him when clearly it was the other way around.  In the shower, Dan had decided firmly that no good would come from this night and it was a bad idea, and he still wasn’t convinced to take a chance counting on his brother.

            “Tell you what,” Kevin said. “Look.  You’re still pretty pissed at this Kim chick right?”

            Dan nodded. He was pissed. And hurt. It was why he just couldn’t bring himself to meet anyone else. He couldn’t trust falling for a woman again. Kevin looked at him and for a brief flash, Dan felt like he was reading his mind.

            “Then you’ve got to look at this date as an opportunity.”  Kevin said.

            “An opportunity to what?”

            “An opportunity to get back at Kim by showing her you’ve moved on. Dude, you’re never going to get on with your life if you keep rehashing what went down with you and that chick, so move on to another chick. Even if it’s for just one night and she’s just a practice chick. Seriously. Think about it. Why do you think I chose this Easy Lady for you?” Dan looked at Kevin blankly.  He really had no idea.  “Because she’s Eaaaaaaaassssyyyyyy. This is gonna be a piece of cake. Get it? A piece! If you get stuck, just act like me. She’ll never know the difference.” Kevin turned to his brother and smiled. Dan couldn’t help but smile back. “Now get dressed,” Kevin said. “We’re meeting her in an hour and I want time to scope out the restaurant, have a couple of shots, and find a place where I can watch the action.”

            Dan obediently got dressed, but couldn’t help thinking that just when he thought his brother was doing something decent, he’d go and bring up the word action. Dan knew that to Kevin everything eventually was reduced to action. It was the one thing Dan could still count on his life: his brother was entirely predictable. Still, there was comfort thinking that if he wanted to, he could act exactly like his brother with this…chick. He didn’t have to be himself. Women didn’t like him…at least Kim didn’t. He could be anyone really, and Easy Lady would never know the difference. She’d never guess that he was just playing a game to appease his brother, and maybe get over the love of his life. 

            He buttoned up his red shirt and looked at himself in the mirror. His red hair was sticking up in all the wrong places and with the red shirt he felt a bit, well, red.  A bit defeated. What had Kim seen in him anyway? He had bad hair, a gut, and little sex appeal. True, he was a mean cook and tried to do all those sweet and wonderfully romantic things that leading men did in movies, but he hadn’t been enough for Kim.  How could he be enough for anyone else?

            He turned away from the mirror and realized that Kevin didn’t worry about how he looked or what women thought about him. Kevin was full of himself, pushy, and insensitive. It might be fun to pretend to be Kevin for a few hours. It really could be a relief to take on some of his brother’s qualities. And what better way to chase away his dating demons than on a woman who promised that everything in life was easy?

Chapter 15 

If you don’t like him, maybe he has an interesting friend.

 

            Julie walked slowly up the flight of stairs to her apartment, carrying her mail in one hand, and the bright blue bag from Luscious in the other. When she got inside her phone was flashing, indicating a new number. She pressed the caller ID, saw a number she didn’t know (no doubt selling something), a number from the phone company, and then her Grandma’s number. Julie smiled and lifted the receiver. Sure enough there was the staccato tone indicating a message. She pressed her password and waited.

 

Listen, Julie, it’s your Grandma and I’ve just

gotten off the phone with Eve.  She’s rather an odd

duck that Eve but I like her.  She says you’ve got a

date tonight and that you don’t want to go.  Julie,

sweetheart, go. It’s medicine for your heart.

And who knows?  If you don’t like him, maybe he

has an interesting friend. 

 

            Julie hung up the phone.  Her eyes instantly flooded with tears. She felt suddenly deeply lucky. So what if the love of her life was tooling around Ohio with two married groupies? So what if the only date she could get now was off the Internet and because she was drunk and wearing a red teddy? She had Eve and Grandma in her life, what more did she need? She smiled to herself, because every now and then she needed something they couldn’t give her, but they had battery operated things for that. 

            She walked into her bathroom, turned on the faucet to hot, and waited for the tub to fill. If she could summon the right mindset, she could make something of this night.  She’d do all the necessary preparations for a date: wash and style her hair, exotic magazine make-up, and shave every part of her body…almost every part of her body. She would take Eve’s and her Grandma’s advice. And anyway, it wasn’t exactly Julie Mills going on a date with a stranger. It was Easy Lady, and who knew what she was capable of? Ronny would be shocked at just how spontaneous she was willing to be.

No. She decided that she couldn’t plot out her life. She’d go on this date. She’d consider tonight practice to cleanse her dating palate, purge herself of Ronny, and then she could start over. She needed to start over. Ronny had been on her mind and heart for too long now and it was time to exorcise him. And what better way to exorcise an ex than to do all the things she’d always wanted to do and not have to answer to it in the morning?

            Julie slipped into the tub and relished in her body relaxing. She breathed. Felt the stress slip from her shoulders. For once in her life she was going to stop obsessing and have a good time. She had complete freedom to be awkward and awful because she was going on this date not as shy Julie Mills, but as the sultry vixen Easy Lady. There was freedom in the idea. And, she thought, smiling to herself, who knew?  Maybe this Dan the Man had an interesting friend he could introduce her to.