Hey Blunder Woman

I have now fully recovered from the emotional influence of the moon. It’s a good thing too, because I was driving myself crazy. I’m also really stressed out. I need a vacation. A backrub. To get drunk in front of a roaring fire. And to run naked through the streets screaming “I LOVE CHEESE LOGS!!!”

Ahem. Maybe I don’t need ALL of those things.

What I do need: more dating advice. I love this pamphlet put out in the 1950’s (I think) by the Kotex Corporation. It’s called “Are you in the Know” and features dating, grooming, and manners advice (all a ploy to get a young girl to buy the right maxi pad). The dating advice is hysterical, and I’ve been quoting from it.

I even threatened to take some of the advice and bring prompter cards with me on a date in case I need to ‘stimulate the conversation”. I so deeply wanted to go on a date, wear white gloves, and then as my date was ordering for me (apparently they’re supposed to) I would dip my dainty hand into my beaded purse and pull out a series of questions. I even asked readers for some questions to ask my date. And you know what happened? I haven’t had a date! No dating! Not for lack of desire, I’ve just been too damned busy.

So we must imagine. Me, in white gloves, a pretty dress, and an enormous air cast, reaching into my purse.

The many expressions I'll use on my date, accented by gloves.

IMAGINED SCENE:

“Why, Tanya, what’s that you’re pulling out of your evening bag?” My date Hank asks. (His name has got to be Hank, doesn’t it?)

“Oh, this? Why I’ve brought some prompter cards!”

“You are a clever girl.”

I smile. “Why, yes, I am. Okay, are you ready?”

Hank winks.

“All right then, first question. What are your thoughts on the Kama Sutra?”

Hank blushes. Adjusts his bow tie. “Uh, not sure I’m following you.”

“Oh, It’s like the Joy Of Sex, only ancient. For that matter, do you like the Joy of Sex and are you willing to caress and fondle any part on me that brings me pleasure?” I bat my eyelashes. Hank doesn’t answer. Next prompter card. “Hank, do you like children?”

“Why yes…”

“Because I’ve got TWO!”

“Oh…”

Next card. “Hank, do you have super hero powers, because I do, I’m Blunder Woman after all and I’ve heard that when super heroes breed, they produce freaks of nature. And would you like to test that out later? You know, after I get stinking drunk?”

Hank raises his finger. “Waiter! Check!”

(Thank you Shawna for the great questions.)

END SCENE

You know, as I read this dialogue, it’s probably good I haven’t had a date. I need to just relax and breathe. It’ll happen. For now, I’m pretty busy purchasing a house, writing my books, teaching, being a mom, helping my mom, working at the theater, performing, narrating, and trying to remain flexible so that when that Kama Sutra opportunity comes up, I’ll be ready. Until then, I’ll also keep reading this pamphlet.

I’ll leave you with this gem. I’m quoting here, and have no idea what “sling a sharp line” means:

“How to rate on a first date—A) Sling a sharp line B) Be a listening post or C) Learn his interests. People love to talk about themselves…and a girl who’s a good audience is a good date. Learn his interests. Talk them over…and he’ll soon be interested in you. It’s all about forgetting yourself.”

Wait a minute!! What!! WHAT? Just who do you think you are Kotex people? What kind of malarkey were you teaching my mom’s generation?

On second thought, I’m leaving the pamphlet, the gloves, and the prompter cards at home and when that date does happen, I’m just going to be me. Plain old blunderful…me. I’ll let you know how it works out.