What happened because of the steaks…

July 12, 2010 at 8:43 am · Filed under Blog

If you follow me on Twitter, then you know that I had a bit of a heartbreak this weekend. Biff and I had a huge fight over something ridiculous and he grabbed all his stuff and stormed out of the house. He didn’t even say goodbye.

And it started with steak. Stupid steak.

Steak. Another reason to be a vegetarian.

We went to the grocery store with the kids and I asked what we should do for dinner. Biff said “Steaks!” I said that sounded good and turned to the kids and asked if they’d like Crabby Patties (what we call hamburgers, a nod to Spongebob Squarepants). So we picked up stuff.

It was a nice day. Biff helped me with yardwork, cleaned out my garage and while he prepped the grill and pushed Simone on the swing, I prepped the food. He grilled mushrooms and green peppers and then I gave him four hamburgers and the two steaks to grill.

When the food was done, I prepped the burgers for the kids. He asked me for a plate. He put the two steaks on the plate and asked for a knife. I gave it to him. Then he took the plate with the two steaks to the table and sat down with it, prepared to eat. And here’s the part where it gets ridiculous. “Are you going to eat those two steaks?” I asked, shocked, my face red with heat.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Well, what am I supposed to eat? I mean those are two steaks, I assumed you’d cooked one for me. You didn’t? You cooked them both for yourself?”

“I thought you were going to have a hamburger,” He said. He offered one of the steaks to me. “Here. Take one. You want one?” But by that time, I was so mad at the selfishness of the act that the idea of eating steak turned my stomach.

Why did I get so mad? Because the steak seemed to be a symbol of something greater. I assumed at the grocery store that he was cooking us steaks. I thought it was sweet. Then he sat down to eat both of them and it struck me as so insensitive and self-focused. And in a rush I thought of all the little things I did to try to please him. Cooking food he’d like and avoiding the food I love, knowing it would turn his stomach. How I tried to ask him questions about his day, told him he’s cute, told him I liked the way he kissed me. He told me once that I didn’t need to tell him those things. He didn’t need to hear it. I said, “Well, I do.” Meaning, it would be nice to hear that he appreciated me, cared about me. I needed to feel tended to.

Which was why on my birthday when there was no card or tweet or message on Face Book, no flowers, no cake, that I also felt deflated. I’d told him how my husband for 5 years never remembered my birthday or scheduled a trip out of the country during that time. How my ex had told me once that I shouldn’t have cake on my birthday because it was too fattening. Biff said that was horrible, but on my birthday, he did nothing to show me that I somehow mattered to him.

Maybe I’m high maintenance. I don’t know. But I honestly believe that a relationship and another person, a person you are close with physically and emotionally, needs to be tended to. You treat them kindly, like a rare orchid.

Orchids--Beautiful and tender

You make sure they have the food they need, the affection, you tell them they’re special. (Not that I do this with my orchid. Mostly I just water it once a week…but still. You get what I’m saying.)

I tried to talk to Biff, to clarify if he’d ever considered if I wanted steak. He said of course he had, but when he saw the four burgers he assumed I was eating those. (I made extras. The kids like leftovers) And yes, it was ridiculous. But then he got so mad that anger just poured off him. “I can’t talk about this,” he said. And he stormed outside.

I waited. I waited for a half hour. I went outside where he was sitting smoking. “If you can’t talk about the little things,” I asked, “How will you talk about the big?”

“This is ridiculous,” he said. “I’ll be out of here tomorrow.”

I thought about his anger and his inability to talk to me. I thought about how our relationship wasn’t the partnership I’d hoped, that I was suddenly paying for almost everything and driving him everywhere and letting him stay with me while he looked for a job and an apartment. I thought of my two kids sleeping upstairs and what would happen if he got angry at them? If he couldn’t talk about steak, how could he talk about disappointments or frustration or miscommunication. “I’ll give you cab money,” I said. “You can leave tonight.”

In the end, he didn’t take the money. He packed his rollaway suitcase and his bag of clothes. He left his yogurt and tequila. I heard the wheels of the suitcase going up my sidewalk. I didn’t know where he would go, but I also knew there wasn’t anything I could do about that. He didn’t say goodbye.

Biff has apologized and I appreciate that. He said he’d like to try again and that he wants to work on talking this through. He sent me a note saying I shouldn’t change how I write because of him, essentially giving me freedom to write this. But I can’t go back to him right now. I want a partner. An equal. I want someone who treats me tenderly. Someone who would offer me a steak in the grocery store and then say, “If you don’t want steak, what can I make for you that you will love?”

I want someone who’ll make me a birthday cake.

It would be easy to give up on this, to lower my wants, to settle for someone who seems to like me well enough. But I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t, especially after how my ex treated me during our marriage. So I won’t settle. And if being strong means loneliness, I can deal with that. I’ve dealt with much worse.

9 Comments »

  1. aloha.taboo said,

    July 12, 2010 @ 8:56 am

    Don’t settle. Don’t ever settle.

  2. Tom Rubin said,

    July 12, 2010 @ 9:02 am

    Please don’t ever settle. You’re worth way more than that…and I think you know it.

    I’ve been divorced since 2002 and I always thought I would find that right person and get re-married and be happy. It still has not happened yet, but I have faith that it will someday. You are not alone :)

  3. Tim said,

    July 12, 2010 @ 12:06 pm

    That’s not high maintenance that’s human, and it’s not a silly thing when you consider all the rest, it’s just the last thing. I’m glad you stuck up for yourself. You’re awesome, don’t let anyone treat you otherwise.

  4. lilianavonk said,

    July 12, 2010 @ 1:31 pm

    Oh, sweetie…I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I agree with what the other commenters have said. You deserve better, and being willing to settle for someone who doesn’t pay adequate attention to you needs…oh, SOOO not good.

    I’ve been single for a long, long time and for the most part, I’m okay with it (except for the middle-aged hormones that have turned me into a teenage boy with regard to how often I think about sex, along with the sensation I will die if I don’t get busy with someone soon). This enforced spinsteritude is largely due to my immense trust issues, with large dollop of self-esteem wobbling on top, but I’ve got enough sense of self-worth to utterly refuse to settle for anything–or anyone–less than what I want.

    My mom once suggested that I should dial down my intelligence and humor because of how frequently that tends to scare off guys–nuthin doin. Thankfully you and I both are from a later generation that sees that for the bullshit it is, and much as I hate that things didn’t work out for you and Biff, you are 110% right in not settling for anyone who doesn’t treat you like the goddess you are, missy.

    {{massive hugs}}

  5. Shawna M said,

    July 12, 2010 @ 9:14 pm

    I can’t say anything that hasn’t already been said, but I can add my voice to the crowd. You are awesome. You deserve better. You should never settle.

    My mother settled, and my father walked out on her 3 years ago after a 15 year affair and 32 years of marriage. I settled, and weekly I’m reminded of my mistake when my husband pulls one of his trademark “Giant Ass” moves.

    NEVER SETTLE. EVER.

    You are worthy of much better, of so much more. Never forget that. *hugs*

  6. Dana said,

    July 15, 2010 @ 12:07 pm

    I know everyone else has said this but I want you to know that you should not settle. If you feel like giving him a second chance that is ok because as much as I love my husband men are dumb. However don’t change the standards or your wants. Any man who can’t make a woman feel special, loved, and beautiful doesn’t deserve a woman at all. I have also always believed that as much as I want to be treated as my husband’s equal I want him to treat me better than him. I feel as though I am better to him then I am to myself and I want the same in return. There have been so many times where he hasn’t understood that. It has taken some screaming and some crying but because he loved me he wanted to try and be a better husband. I guess what I am trying to say is if you really feel Biff will never have your best interest at heart then get rid of him but if he wants to do better maybe you should give him a second chance. It isn’t always the fact that they are the perfect mate. Sometimes it is just the fact that they want to be that perfect mate for you and they are always trying to get better.

  7. k1973 said,

    July 15, 2010 @ 6:45 pm

    ridiculous fights happen. but in MY opinion – communication is key. how the hell is one person supposed to know what another is thinking??? If a person does not give you the opportunity to do that – it is their issue. NOT yours.

    have you ever read the book on love languages? based on what I have read here about you, it seems you are words of affirmation & (possibly) acts of service. take the quiz if you haven’t! it’s kind of interesting. :)

    I am by far quality time and words of affirmation.

    trust your gut – contrary to the quote from high fidelity ” Well, I’ve been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I’ve come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.” our gut usually speaks the truth. or so I’m trying to learn.

    I’m sorry that happened. :( was this the first fight?

    and as others here have stated….and I know you know….never settle. It’s better to be alone, than with someone & miserable. (though both are equally hard in my opinion.)

    keep your head high Ms. Thang! as it seems it usually is :)

    You are worth every effort – on ALL levels. :)

  8. k1973 said,

    July 15, 2010 @ 6:55 pm

    @ lilianavonk

    “My mom once suggested that I should dial down my intelligence and humor because of how frequently that tends to scare off guys–nuthin doin”

    I find that interesting. I’m not claiming to be a brainiac (sp – case in point) or anything, but have had someone tell me something rather similar.

    if I have to dumb myself down to land a man – or change my humor – I’ll remain single, thankyouverymuch. SOMEONE out there will get me – perhaps – in the future. till then I’ll continue being the best me I can be.

  9. Tanya said,

    July 16, 2010 @ 2:49 am

    Thanks, everyone, for all your support and kindness and understanding…and great insight. I feel really good that I stood up for myself. I think I’m going to do another blog in the next day or so about what happened “after the steaks” or something, because I’ve spent this week doing a lot of deep thinking (which makes me think of “Deep Thoughts” on SNL) and trying to quiet everything around me so I could actually listen to my gut. Sometimes there’s so much ambient noise going on it’s hard to hear yourself.

    At any rate, thank you again. I believe (not just for myself) that everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they’re honored and nurtured. Sometimes, I also think you have to be strong enough to demand that not just so someone else hears it, but so that you hear it. Huh. Clearly I need to blog about this.

    :)
    Tanya

RSS feed for comments on this post · TrackBack URI

Leave a Comment